TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be large. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely out of put. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, sure, let's have another location in which American Gentlemen can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide All people a suite within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he should really halt working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from Area, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following getting the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    A silent atrium exactly where visitors may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have transform-down assistance."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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